Shame & Blame

For all my leaders + aspiring leaders, teachers, business owners, and entrepreneurs out there

I see it too often. Bosses, business owners, teachers, leaders - “woke” to therapeutics models of language, of vulnerability, owning our truths, etc - turning around and using the language of these disciplines to repeat the same old, tired patterns of passive communication.

You went to therapy, took a coaching course, or ___ (insert here), to gain skills, self-improve, reflect, grow, and hopefully, this will also lead you to becoming a better leader. You have committed to a path of honring yourself, recognizing your emotions, and voicing your needs. Thank you!! You have taken a step that many who assume roles of leadership never will. Yes, you are 100% on the right track. But, you’re not there yet.

Even when you stand in your power, if you are using your emotions to manipulate, you are not being effective.

Even though you are being vulnerable (hell yes!), you still may be shying away from your BEST capacity to lead.

"A shame and blame management culture comes from the desire to hold onto power, self-protect, and jockey for favor." -- Brené Brown

Let me say this loudly for those in the back:

You do not need to explain yourself.

You may feel that in asking something of someone, you must explain WHY.

That you must express your feelings, your experience, and hope for a connection. That once they know how you are feeling, then of course they will see it the way you do, and want to do it the way you want.

This model is *possibly* effective for relationship coaching. It is not effective for leading teams. And it is NOT APPROPRIATE for workspaces.

Let's stop blurring the lines. Yes, you can have your cake and eat it too. You can be messy, vulnerable, AND effective! But -- you need to stop asking for it.

Early Childhood Education / Parenting as a Model:

As the first decade + of my professional career was spent in Early Childhood Education, I often draw from that experience and draw parrallels between the interpersonal dynamics of educator - student to those of leaders - teams. It’s not simply that the dynamics tend to be similar, rather, we are ALL learners. Some of us just forget that we’re still developing even far into adulthood. Comparing dynamic with children to those with other adults is not meant to be patronizing - instead, it is a call to remember our true essence, innocence, and start our work from there. From a sense that we don’t yet “know it all”, from curiosity, openness. From our vulnerability.

When working with young children, simplicity is key.

You may feel as the parent that you owe your child an explanation for what you are asking. You may see this as a perfect learning opportunity. Cut to ~ a long monologue from the parent explaining how they feel, how they experience the world, and therefore, why (insert request).

At best, you will encounter a gloss-eyed child. At worst, and far more common, you will have a child who grows up feeling responsible for the emotional state of their parent.

Stop the explaining. Make it SIMPLE. Give the child the request. Use simple, directive language. They have the agency to ask "why", and when THEY are curious, THAT is the learning opportunity. THAT is the moment for potential connection. When they are open to it.

Don't ask or expect them to empathize with you unless they show the desire to. That is the only way to respect their own agency.

(this is in no way suggesting that all parenting / educating should come in the form of suggestions that can be ignored OR souless barking-orders. Read on to see how we weave this parallel into action.)

In Sum: Consider the example of a parent giving a child a long monologue about their feelings to explain a request. This is actually a harmful practice, one which makes the child feel responsible for the parent's emotional state. Instead, I advocate for a simple, directive approach ("clean your room"), wherein the child has the agency to ask "why" and therefore initiate a true learning opportunity. This model respects the child's autonomy while honoring the parent's needs.

Leadership Dynamics:

This is true in our approach to leadership as well.

I beg of you,

Stand in your power and ask your team to do X,Y & Z. Don't give a long-winded reason why. Just ask.

Ineffective leaders often resort to sharing personal stories and feelings to persuade their teams. This form of "explaining yourself" is not only ineffective, it risks blurring the lines between vulnerability and emotional manipulation. Instead of leading, this approach is a form of begging for compliance. This is not leadership.

Why do we so commonly share our stories as a way to coerce our teams? Because, we are afraid of the step that comes next:

Nonviolent Communication outlines a multi-step process to asking for our needs. An integral part of the process is this: you must accept that the other person’s answer might be no.

It’s going to happen. We ask something, and people don’t follow through. What do you do in that moment?

It seems so much easier to explain how important this is to us up front, because if they see it from my point of view, of course they’ll follow through!

And, when they don’t, it’s so much easier to express our disappointment, to shame and blame, rather than hold our boundaries.

Or so it seems. But in reality, this is not easier. We will become trapped in a never ending cycle of explaining ourselves and begging others to see things as we do. And inevitably become disappointed when they don’t (and the hard truth is, they won’t.)

True vulnerability is a willingness to show up authentically, while emotional manipulation uses feelings to coerce others, rooted in fear - an avoidance of responsibility and a fear of the word "no."

Boundaries and Consequences:

Just as with children, in effective leadership, we hold boundaries.

What does this look like?

We make a request. It is simple, straightforward. We know to expect that some may not follow through. This is natural! Your employees are not in your position, they cannot and will not share your perspectives. They have different motives and objectives and they won’t always align with yours. Therefore, we outline a clear outcome if our expectation is not met.

Remember this from parenting (being parented)?
“If you don’t clean your room, (insert consequence)!”

This is a natural approach which honors the other person’s agency to make their own choices. AND, it honors your needs to have things done a certain way. Because of course, you ARE the leader. It is still right to expect that things are done your way!

This might look like:
“If you are unable to ___(insert request), you may be subject to:

• Having to repeat the task

• A write up

• Loss of job

• ETC

Why are we still so afraid of this approach? We fear that we will come off as pushy or mean, when in reality letting your team know up front what’s expected and what consequences might result in not meeting expectations is the most respectful and EFFECTIVE strategy.

When we use our feelings to try to coerce people to do things, or make them feel guilty when they don’t, we’re not being vulnerable. We are weaponizing our position of leadership and skirting responsibility.

Effective leadership, like effective parenting, requires the establishment of clear boundaries and predictable consequences. By making a simple, straightforward request and outlining a clear outcome if the expectation isn't met, the leader honors the other person's agency while holding their own ground. This is the most respectful AND most effective way to lead. Authenticity and effectiveness in leadership stem from clarity, respect for boundaries, and a fearless acceptance of others' agency.

TLDR: using emotional explanations and personal feelings to manipulate or coerce others—particularly in a leadership role—is a form of passive communication that undermines true vulnerability and effective leadership.

Comment YES if you're curious to dive deeper and strategize how YOU can begin implementing small, effective communication tactics to gain a more effective, heart-centered, and well-received leadership style. Advocate for yourself AND those you work for!